On Being 30

A couple of months ago, I turned 30 years old. In the days leading up to that day, and in the days since, I have found myself thinking a lot about my twenties and what I would like to see happen in my thirties.

I am not sad that my twenties are over. I started out the decade living in Florida, and ended it back in my hometown of Erie. It was a decade for me that - for the most part - I am not proud of. I made a shamefully huge amount of stupid decisions. I made some terrible mistakes. A lifelong dream was shattered. I scraped rock bottom for many of those 10 years. I have shed way too many tears over the last decade. I spent way too much time being sad, angry, and depressed. I spent way too much time fighting with God and not nearly enough time seeking Him. I wasted so much time wallowing in pity because things weren't going according to MY plan. I didn't spend enough time loving and appreciating the people in my life who give so much to me -- and for what? So I could give them nothing in return?

I remember during my darkest times over the last few years when people would tell me that I would one day look back on this time and be grateful for it all; for it will help shape me and mold me into the man that God wants me to be. After I got done laughing, I would silently scream at God, pleading with Him to give me strength to make it through until those days arrived -- if they ever did. There were times that I wanted to give up completely. There were certainly times when I gave in completely. There were times that I crumbled under the weight of my own fallibility that I was all but certain there was no way out. I'm not kidding when I say that I was depraved to the core.

Yet, in the midst of the darkest depravity, there can be no denying that God was laying the pathway for something bigger; something amazing. I always felt it, I always hoped for it...even when I thought that all hope was gone. And even while I was struggling through my darkest days, I had found a place of refuge in Grace Church. At Grace, I found a circle of friends whom I cannot imagine life without. It was also at Grace that I found Danielle, who is the best friend I have ever known. And when the time came for my faith to be tested in ways I never thought possible, I can sit here today and tell you with confidence that the chains of bondage I had been enslaved to for so long were SHATTERED because - and only because - God led me to Grace and, ultimately, Danielle.

As I enter my fourth decade, I leave my third behind with a sense of gratitude that it is over. But I also look back upon it and thank God for what He did for me during those years. It was rough, and at times I couldn't (nor did I want to) see, but I have emerged on the other side fully intact. I look ahead with excitement. My thirties are going to be healthier and happier than my twenties were...that much is for certain. I look forward with anticipation at what will happen in this decade. It's already off to a pretty good start; I started a great new job last month. And with this new job, it will open up the doors for me to fulfill the new dreams that God has given me. Becoming debt-free (we're oh so close....YEAH!!!). Starting a family, Lord-willing (it's weird to think that my dad didn't even have me in his thirties...he was 40 when I was born). Devoting my life 100% to Christ, both personally and professionally (another byproduct of Grace). Going back to school to make that happen. Writing a book so I can tell my story. Yes, this is going to be an awesome decade. And although I am notorious for wanting to take ten steps at a time instead of one, I can't help but to be excited that these years will, without a doubt, be the best so far.

The name of this blog is The Broken Soul: Contemplations Along the Journey to Restoration. While I know that we, as believers, won't be fully restored until we're gone from here, here is where we begin the journey. Almost 14 years ago, I began that journey. Since then, I have had incredible highs and incredibly low lows. But one thing is certain: through it all, God has remained faithful to this incredibly broken soul. His promises have never failed me. His love has always endured.

And I am grateful.