I had a good conversation with a friend last night. He and I talked about how thinking all the time has the capability to completely and utterly wear you out. Not only does it wear you out, but it also makes you numb. Numb to good, numb to bad, and numb to common sense. It's a very scary place to be, but I think that's where I am right now. Numb and tired. I'm constantly thinking, worrying, planning, wondering, and wandering. I'm worried that I won't ever be able to pull out of this deep funk I am in; that these are the cards I've been dealt and that's it. Every morning when I wake up and every night as I fall asleep, I am fighting what seems to be a losing battle.
It seems that everyday, Danielle and I are bombarded with more and more bad news. It's been a difficult season to be in recently...it just feels like we are being punched in the gut over and over and over and over again. And then when we're down and bloodied, we get punched in the gut again. Ah well, "it's just a season" they say. I certainly hope it is. But sometimes, I wonder if it's just the way life is always going to be?
Meanwhile, as I complain about what I perceive as 'difficult' happenings in my own life, all around me there are marriages crumbling, families falling apart, parents burying their children, and so many more horrible things that don't make any sense. I try to remember this and I try to put things into perspective, but -honestly- at the end of the day, it's still really hard for me to smile. Perhaps the combination of my own personal struggles combined with the intense pain and unspeakable sadness that those around us are dealing with is creating the perfect storm for my ever questioning mind.
So yeah, I'm tired. And I'm numb. But I'm praying that God brings me through this season. I just don't know how long I should pray before I think about giving up.
It's not that I don't desperately want to win this battle and win this war. But if you are fighting a war without end, what point is there in fighting the battles?
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5 hours ago
2 comments:
Buck up little camper. Julie and my "bad season" was 2006. We lost 3 grandparents and many of our friends parents (it seemed like we were heading to the funeral home once a week). I lost my job and the bills were piling up. then Dec 27th 2006 came. a little boy was born and his mommy couldn't take care of him. We got a call the next day asking if we would like to add a son to our family and the rest is the happiest year and a half i have ever lived. No matter how long the "bad season" lasts, it will end and it will be the "best season" you will ever have. How can you ever know when you have it good if you have never had it bad? God Bless
Psalms says that sometimes we must BE STILL and KNOW that I AM GOD... When we're in the midst of our storms we need to be still and listen to God's voice. Thankfullly HE tell us that he will not put more on us than we can bear. As the other commenter said, Without SEASONS, how will we FEEL HIS GRACE? Last year when I was near death I thought that was my SEASON but I look around me and see that their are other that are worse off than me. It's time for us to Stay Prayerful. Stay Strong Saint. I know you don't know me but I found your site because of the subject but All things Work together for the Good of those who Love the Lord. God Bless you... This Too Shall Pass
Ms. Rae
http://www.bestillnknowgod.blogspot.com/
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